“A Secure Love” from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

“A Secure Love” from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Hello again!  Welcome back (or for the first time) to my series of reflections on the book  Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free by Dr. Tim Kimmel.  

“A Secure Love” is the third chapter of the book.  You can read my other posts here: 

• Introduction
• Chapter 1: "Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short"
• Chapter 2: "The Truth Behind Grace"
• Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose" 

In the opening chapters, Dr. Kimmel reminds us that children need three main things to flourish in life: a secure love, a significant purpose, and a strong hope.  Then he devotes a chapter to each one.  Today, we’re talking about the first of the three, secure love.  Our example to follow is God the Father, who pursued us with compassion and grace, even when we had sinned.

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God… This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”  (1 John 4:7-11)

“If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?... In all these things are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:31b-32, 37-39)

As parents, we all want to love our children.  But saying we love them, and even doing things to communicate that to them is not quite enough.  They need to know that we will love them no matter what, even when it is inconvenient, when they are ungrateful, or when it costs us greatly.  They should not have to compete against our hobbies or careers for our attention, or feel like they have to earn our love through performance.

“Love is the commitment of my will

to your needs and best interests,

regardless of the cost.”

We make decisions based on our covenants and priorities, so we need to carefully consider and meet the actual needs of our children.  This doesn’t mean that we give them everything they want, side with them when they are wrong, or shield them from reasonable consequences.  This would be catering to selfishness, not need.

Dr. Kimmel uses 3 “A” words to remind us that children feel secure and loved then they are accepted as they are, affiliated with a loving and honoring family, and when they receive regular and generous helpings of affection.

So we don’t want to subject them to a barrage of nitpicking criticism, or put them down because they are curious, excited, helpless, or absent-minded.  We don’t want to tease them for how they look or what is happening to their growing bodies.  Instead, we must learn to cherish and steward their unique personalities, gifts, and dreams.  And we must remember that “God has hard-wired our skin to our souls… With rare exceptions, children are especially responsive to meaningful tender touch.”

So far, I’ve mainly recounted what Dr. Kimmel has said, but I would like to extend this to a few related reflections of my own.

~*~*~

I have always loved the stories in Matthew 19:13-14 and Mark 9:33-37 of how Jesus took the children in his arms and blessed them and how he encouraged adults to receive the children “like this.”  It’s more our attitude than the exact action that counts.  For example, some of my children prefer not to be hugged or kissed quite as much but they still need for me to convey my attitude of affection.  Instead, I might give them a pat or rub on the back, or an air kiss and a big smile from across the room, or simply a spoken, “I love you and I’m so proud of you.”   I don’t stop the affection when they leave home and can’t see us in person.  There is always the phone, e-mail, and Skype to keep us connected.

It’s has often been said that kids need a firm foundation of secure love from their parents so that they won’t go looking for counterfeit substitutes, such as twisted people who will take advantage of a young person’s emotional need for their own selfish gain, or well-meaning but misguided peers who will take them down moral paths they shouldn’t go.  I am not saying that we should be the only ones who love our children, the only ones they should trust. Part of healthy parenthood is launching them into nurturing relationships with others outside our family.  That’s an essential for their future marriages – leaving us and cleaving to their spouse.  And certainly everyone needs good friends and a good faith-family (church and Christian organizations) to supplement what we have already given them in our homes.  But it starts at home.  That’s the foundation.  If they lack a secure love from us, they are starting off at a serious disadvantage.  So are they going to learn what a healthy relationship looks like in the workshop of our family life, or find it out by trial and error? 

I think back on my own relationships, not only as a child or teen but into adulthood.   Yes, I was burned a few times by people who claimed to love me.  However, I have also been quite blessed by those who really did. The family and friends I have bonded with most closely are the ones who have expressed unconditional acceptance to me by their words or actions.  I can tell them anything and know they will still stick with me no matter what.  I can trust them.  But they don’t just put up with me and my "life messes" out of a sense of duty.  I’m not their pity project, but their authentic friend. They also affirm the good things they see in my life and cheer me on toward greatness.  They make me feel special and valued for who God made me to be.  They are lifelong friends, lifelong gifts to me.

My grandmother, parents, brother, sister, and I

I am fortunate as an adult to have that kind of relationship with my own parents, siblings, and extended family. Though they live several hundreds of miles away from me, I try to see them as often as I can.  I particularly treasure a memory of my father from about a year ago.   I was agitated, fearful, and feeling very devalued.  As soon as he saw this, he knelt down by my chair to comfort and encourage me.  His quiet yet powerful words infused me with honor, worth, courage, purpose, and hope.  And he followed up on that with other conversations and with sacrificial actions.  His tenderness and commitment toward me then nearly brings me to tears even now.   My father is not a religious man and there are many areas where we don’t see eye to eye, but I know he loves me no matter what our differences.  The love I receive from him and from my sweet mother is a secure love.  That’s the legacy I want to give my own children.

Some other articles you might want to read:

Driveway Delight by Carol Barnier at www.Sizzlebopblog.wordpress.com, “Where Highly Distractible People are Celebrated, Encouraged & Empowered”

Tender Compassion for Mothers by Virginia Knowles

"The Truth Behind Grace" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Dear friends,

Welcome to my reflections on chapter 2 of Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel.  You might also enjoy reading my introduction, chapter 1, Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short, or chapter 3, “A Secure Love”.

When writing a persuasive essay or preparing for a debate, students are taught to examine possible objections to their premise.  The purpose is so that they can effectively address them and convince their audiences that their viewpoint is still valid despite the contrary concerns.  That is what this chapter does.

I know the objections that come up when Christians start talking about “living by grace” and protesting legalism.  Beyond the realm of parenting, this theology of grace has been a paramount one for me in recent years. It is even what led our family to leave a church where it was a personal struggle for me to consistently experience grace where there seemed to be an over-emphasis on mortifying indwelling sin.  Our explorations into the nature of grace have also led us to a lot of soul searching about how we raise and relate to our children.  I wish I could say this has been an easy process, but unfortunately, there is a lot of misunderstanding about grace.

Here is the main objection to “living by grace”:  If we focus on God’s grace too much, we will use it as an excuse to not pursue holy living.  We will just assume that since God forgives us, we can do whatever we want and then tell him we’re sorry.  Or, applying this to parenting, we can let our children do whatever they want and call it “grace” and not hold them to godly standards.  That’s why we hear complaints about “greasy grace” or “cheap grace” that doesn’t require repentance or life change.

So how does Dr. Kimmel answer this objection?  He acknowledges that it can be valid and then elaborates on that by taking us to the life of Jesus.  “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.  We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”   He reminds us that grace and truth are inseparable, “two parts that make up a single whole.”  We cannot ignore the moral claims of the Bible, the truth that confronts our hearts and draws us to repentance.  He agrees that using grace as an excuse to sin is a serious problem, and describes a family where he has seen that sad dynamic. As he says, “A family without clearly defined rules and standards can never be a grace-based family.  It’s too busy being a nightmare to live in.”

Real grace actually calls us to a higher standard because our hearts are changed. We have a new motivation: not performance to gain acceptance, but gratitude and love which flow from acceptance that we already have in Christ.  We want to be like him because we adore who he is.   We willingly embrace grace as our tutor.  “It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope – the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people who are his very own, eager to do what is good.”(Titus 2:11-14)

After addressing how true grace changes lives, Dr. Kimmel reinforces his chapter 1 caution about parenting without grace.  He warns against using Scripture to pistol-whip kids into submission, citing “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4) and “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21).

My daughter with her little guy

We need warm and strong relationships with our children that will empower them to live for Jesus, not ego-fueled power struggles that break down their spirits and beat down motivation.  We need to follow the example of God, who is “a graceful Father who cherishes his children and treats them in a way that draws them to His heart and the safety and security of His everlasting arms.” 

As I think about what Dr. Kimmel has said, I ponder about how often parents misrepresent the character of God.   If a child is treated harshly by his parents, it’s a stumbling block toward how he views God.  He might still make the mental assertion that “God is good, God is kind, God is patient, God is loving, God is forgiving,” because that has been what he's been told in words but if he sees the exact opposite in how his parents relate to him, his heart will be screaming a different message.  I personally don’t want my mothering to cause this kind of cognitive dissonance in my children.  I know I’ll never be a perfect representation, and they don’t expect that. 

Grandma loves you!

When they were babies, my little chant to them was, “Mommy loves you and Daddy loves you, but Jesus loves you so much more!”  Or, “I haven’t been very patient and kind with you today, but God is always patient and kind.”  On the other hand, I don’t want to represent God as a pushover either.  My children need to learn to be patient and kind, too, and I am responsible for teaching them. As Dr. Kimmel notes, "Home has got to be a place where our children are safe from the traps of the world and assured that they have parents who won't surrender God's standards -- even to them." So I can also tell them: 

• “No, I’m not going to back off!  I want you to succeed in life, and this kind of behavior is only going to bring you down. I love you so much that I can’t let you get away with this.”
• “Let's take a look at those song lyrics.  Does this kind of foul language really help you appreciate and love God's holiness more -- or not?"  
• "No matter what he says or does or how you feel about it, you may not hit your brother.  Be kind!”
• “Hand me the iPod and get back to your math!  I don’t want you to get into a frantic crunch when it’s time to turn in your assignment.”
• “You may not yell at me to help you with your math problem when I'm working with your sister. You can be patient and wait your turn.  See if you can do other problems on this page until then.”
• “You do not need to let your sister’s words control your attitude.  The good news is that you have a choice and you can change.  You can choose to be calm instead of angry.” 

Grace or truth? Yes.  Both.  That is true grace.  That is gracious truth.  And that makes for a happier home.

My daughter's sweet rendition of a happy home!
I love the sunshine and rainbow!

I leave you with some words from Abbé de Tourville about education, which applies to parenting as well.

Set aside everything which might make you at all touchy or timid and let all your qualities of goodwill, frankness and simplicity shine forth in your dealings with every one you meet.  Never mind how different their characters and way of life may be, for our Lord desires us to behave thus even to the unrighteous which would otherwise be difficult... 

Encourage with discretion all that is good in your pupils; let them feel your support without being embarrassed or hampered by it.  Education, as the very word shows, means helping someone to develop himself, to draw out all that is good in him.  It is the greatest of all benefits.  That too is the meaning of the expression to direct¸ direction.  Unless interpreted in this sense, I like the word formation less; it seems to me to carry the suggestion of a preconceived form into which one is to force people whether they like it or not.  But people do not lend themselves to this kind of treatment and so the form remains empty.

(More quotes here: Wisdom from Letters of Direction by Abbé de Tourville)

Other posts in this series:


Introduction
Chapter 1: Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short
Chapter 3: “A Secure Love”
Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose" 

You may also wish to read these posts:

• Mothering by Faith and Grace
• Amazing Grace for Home School Moms
• Setting Sensible Standards

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

"Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

"Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short" from Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Dear friends,

I mentioned in yesterday’s introductory post that I am starting a new series of reflections on Dr. Tim Kimmel’s book Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free.  I am going to do this chapter by chapter, and here’s the first installment!  If you would like to see all posts in this new category, click here: Reflections on Grace Based Parenting Book.

In this first chapter, “Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short,” Kimmel lays out what he feels is the trouble with much of modern Christian parenting.  It is not filled with dire statistics but solid principles and observations.

Dr. Kimmel uses a very apt word picture to describe the dilemma we often find ourselves in. He says that raising children is like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle with no edge pieces, no cover picture, and a handful of pieces from a different puzzle thrown in to confuse us. To unpack his metaphor, it is hard to parent in a culture that values no moral boundaries and that refuses to follow the parenting picture that the Bible has laid out for us, but that another huge challenge is extra man-made standards thrown into the mix by those who claim to know what is best for all children.

He acknowledges that some Christian parents have given up on standards or Scripture, preferring to feel good rather than do good. However in this chapter, it seems like his primary concern is parents who are too controlling and restrictive, who have lost sight of grace. Christians who fearfully withdraw from culture lose out on their privilege of "being porch lights in the darkness" and this affects our children's ability to sense the active presence and power of God.  Ironically, we often lose our children by holding on too tight. 
   
No wonder we lose our way when our maps are wrong. When we raise our kids based on fear, behavior modification, control, image, what others are doing, or in reaction to crises we are facing – where is the joy and peace in that? And, bottom line, where is the lasting success? Kids who grow up in these kinds of home environments are at a distinct disadvantage. Their faith and convictions will be shallow and apathetic, more concerned with outward appearances than a deep inward maturity or a passion for Christ. They will feel intimidated and confused by the world around them, unable to navigate with true wisdom and confidence. They will feel stressed by an unhealthy sense of guilt and inadequacy, always struggling to “do it right” so their parents will approve, or failing that, rebelling against these expectations and values as being unreasonable.

What is the alternative? Parents who model a vibrant, trusting, and joyful relationship with Christ. Parents who rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit in making decisions for their own families. Parents who apply firm and sensible standards in affirming ways. Parents who see their children as incredible treasures from God, uniquely created to be uniquely loved. Parents who are quick to extend mercy and forgiveness. Parents who see life as a grand adventure. Parents who nurture rather than control. Parents who set their families free with GRACE.

In order to do this, we need to be aware of three driving needs that children have – needs that we parents have too! These are:

• a secure love
• a significant purpose
• and a strong hope

I’m looking forward to reading the chapters on each of these!  In the meantime, I leave you with a quote from the last page of this chapter:

“As your children see you meeting your need for love, purpose and hope through your abiding relationship with Christ, your example will put power and authenticity behind your words.”

Amen!

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

P.S. As a reminder, you can read all posts in this Grace Based Parenting series here or read individual ones by clicking on these links:

Chapter 2: "The Truth Behind Grace"
Chapter 3: “A Secure Love”
Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose" 

New Series Coming: Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Hello friends!


In coming weeks, I'm going to be sharing what I'm gleaning from a book called Grace Based Parenting: Set Your Family Free by Dr. Tim Kimmel. (You can click on that title to see the book at Christian Book Distributors.  It will let you look inside, too!) The book comes highly recommended by many people I respect, and I found a  used copy of it a couple of months ago so I couldn't pass it up.  In fact, just this morning I just saw a very favorable mention of it by Wendy Alsup in her post The Myth of the Biblical Parenting Method.  Karen Campbell at http://www.thatmom.com/ also gives it five stars in her review.


While I will be reading the book on my own and taking notes on each of the 11 chapters to share with you, my husband and I are also planning to go through it together.  We both realize how much we need grace in our family -- and how often we have detoured away from it with rigid expectations and frustration.


If you would like to read it at the same time I am writing my posts, grab your own copy here, and you can add your comments as we go along!  I'd love a little company on the journey!  And if you've already read it and want to offer your own opinion about it, leave a comment on this post!

As I post each article, I will link it right here. 

Chapter 1: "Why Well-Meaning Parenting Falls Short" 

Chapter 2: "The Truth Behind Grace"

Chapter 3: “A Secure Love” 

Chapter 4: "A Significant Purpose" 


You can visit Dr. Kimmel's web site at:

http://familymatters.net/

You may also wish to read/view articles and videos about parenting with grace at:

• Amazing Grace for Home School Moms
• Joyful Liberty!
• Tender Compassion for Mothers
• Child Discipline or Child Abuse?
• Mothering by Faith and Grace

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

http://www.comewearymoms.blogspot.com/

Friday Favorites #12: Back to School -- Overwhelmed?

Dear friends,

This has been our first week of the school year, since the home school co-op that we rejoined (after a year of being "just home") started classes on Monday with plenty of academic assignments doled out for the rest of the week.  To be honest, I am sometimes very overwhelmed.  That's an understatement.  Whether it is:

• lost school books (note plural, and one is still missing!) and one that I even forgot to order in the first place
• a fussy, mischievous first grader and an angry older sister who was trying to do homework in the midst of the interruptions
• computer parts spread all over the carpet during a very educational dissection of a defunct machine
• a broken washing machine when my son was trying to wash his shirt to wear to co-op -- that morning!
• a child who is shocked by the number of math problems assigned 
• loud (nay, very loud!) kids having frequent fits of the hyper sillies 
• people who try to talk to me with toothpaste in their mouths (pet peeve!)
• arguments over who gets to use my laptop (after which I changed the password to the kids' account on it -- so there!)
• the Internet going off when I was in the middle of something (loose cord!)
• a headache from staying up too late trying to plan out how in the world I can get my kids to be more consistent with chores and cleaning up after themselves...  

Oh yes, the mama has been a bit spazzy the past several days!  But there have been lots of bright spots, too, like:

• getting back in to the classroom at co-op (my happy spot!) and chatting with the other moms in the teacher's lounge
• an afternoon of caring for my one year old grandson Jacob on Wednesday
• a birthday dinner for my husband last night with all 10 kids home (very rare!) -- that's him with Jacob
• a quick date to Starbucks with him earlier that day to share a vente hot chocolate and a cranberry scone (thanks to a gift card from his sister)
• a really good long back rub from my husband when I had a bad kink in my shoulder
• helping my second daughter pick out a pretty font for her wedding invitations (less than two months to the big day!)
• reading about missionary Mary Slessor with my 10 year old daughter, who wants to be a missionary when she grows up
• sharing Philippians and Aesop's Fables with my five younger kids at the start of school each day (it may not be assigned but the Scriptures and good literature are vital!) 
• encouraging notes from family and friends
• a teenage son who offered to bring me some ice water
• an elderly neighbor who brought us most of a chocolate cake (since she baked one and couldn't eat it all by herself, and wanted to thank us for inviting her to church last week, which she loved, loved, loved).  

Guess I'd better count my blessings and put a smile back on my face, huh?  And I'm going to start taking my nutritional supplements again, like my thyroid booster, some St. John's Wort (kids asked if this is because I have warts -- then cheered when I told them it was to help me be not so grumpy), evening primrose oil for those female hormones, and the Juice Plus that we stockpiled a couple of years ago that is about to expire in a few months.  I just divvied out daily doses into little snack size zip lock bags.  Now I need to remember to take them.  Oh yeah.

Well, maybe you can relate.  Fortunately for all of us, there is plenty of encouragement for those tough days that is only a mouse click away.  This is some of what has kept me going this past month since I last compiled a Friday Favorites post.

The Sweet Life of a Homeschooling Mom Comes through the Law of Kindness by Karen Campell at www.thatmom.com  “As I read these words, I realize how often I have been loath to extend grace to my children and have allowed my own tastes and opinions to be presented to them as a holy standard, when the truth is that God’s Word is the standard we ought to be pointing toward. How often I have even been tempted to put my own spin on Scripture in order to “prove” that my preference is the “right” one. And I have remembered the times when my first thought was “what would other people think about me, especially as a homeschooling mom, if my kid does x, y, or z.”  Also by Karen:  The Sweet Life of the Home Schooling Mom is Based on Godly Wisdom

Ten More Ways to Keep Your Days Delightful, Part 1 by Teri (as guest posted on Jonesy’s blog Jonesville, Population 6)  “As I schedule the busywork, I also make plans for the beauty I hope to find, or create, in our home-school. Some days ahead will be hard, very hard. And I know it! It’s easier to keep perspective if we bring out the joy, the delight, where we can – a kind of preventive measure against February’s angst. Here are ten tips on my mind for this August bloom.”  Also by Teri: Ten More Ways to Keep Your Days Delightful, Part 1, and her original article from last year Ten Ways to Keep Your Days Delightful on her own blog, http://www.teritin.blogspot.com/ 

Home School Blog Conference Guest Post by Debbie Pittman (as guest posted on Jonesy’s blog Jonesville, Population 6)   “I’m definitely more tired – I prefer to think of it as mellowing – but the biggest difference is that I no longer feel like I’m out to prove something. These days my motive for homeschooling is not based on a fear of anything, nor am I delusional enough to believe I am the only one who can teach my children what they need to know.  I home educate for more pragmatic reasons.”  You can follow Debbie, a 25 year veteran of home schooling 11 kids (some adopted) at her own blog, Cheaper by the Baker’s Dozen. 

Your Failures Do Not Define You by Sally Clarkson at www.itakejoy.com  “It is an illusion that anyone you know is perfect or can live by their works. No one can. All we like sheep have gone astray. We simply cannot hold to our ideals by effort, we are in total need of His mercy and grace, every day, all the time.”  Also by Sally: Holiness is Not Law-Keeping by Love-Keeping and The Mystery of Child Training: Where to begin?

Westminster Dare by Sarah Clarkson at www.thoroughlyalive.com “In each of these stories or studies, I have found the simple fact that when a person comes to God, however flawed or frail they may be, and asks to be used to build his kingdom, to know, as those Westminster saints did, what is really true about the world, God responds. When people strip themselves of sin and illusion, when they step away from the frenzy of their culture and enter the quiet, waiting space of prayer, God speaks in ways they could not expect. When anyone pursues the truth about the nature of the world, or chases after real justice, or begs to glimpse and live real love, God answers and acts and invades their lives in a way I find shocking. The crux of it though is choice. Simple, but strenuous, a daily choosing to be vigilant in thought, disciplined in habits of body and mind, determined in prayer and in that seeking after the kingdom of God.”

Organizing Head & Heart to Home School  by Ann Voskamp at www.aholyexperience.com  “Education is the atmosphere we breathe, the envelope of wonder that surrounds us, held by the gravity of our daily habits.”  Also by Ann: Live the Seven Rungs of Holistic Homeschooling

Looking to the Good Shepherd Jesus for the example of how to care for others... Keeping a discerning eye on those who claim to be shepherds of God's people... Learning to recognize, heal from, and speak out against abuse -- spiritual, emotional, verbal, and physical -- in churches, organizations, and families."  Most of the initial posts came from this blog (www.comewearymoms.blogspot.com) and from my main blog (www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com) but I have added other articles, a substantial links page, and a Quotes to Ponder page.  My newest article there is: On Walking by Grace Instead of a Focus on Mortifying Indwelling Sin. Two analogies from that article: 
I also wanted to let you know that I have created a new blog, www.WatchTheShepherd.blogspot.com with a tagline of "

1) If I only put the effort into correcting the errors in my kids' schoolwork, then that is all I will get to do.  That is because if I don't spend the time to teach them well in the first place, I will by necessity have to spend all of my time pointing out where they messed up.  It would be better to be proactive and teach it right from the start than have to go and react to the mistakes.  I need to enthusiastically equip and nurture them for success, not set them up for the disabling, de-motivating discouragement of always being told how wrong they are.  

2) A gardener has to spend time weeding a plot of ground, but the point is so that she can plant a lovely and fruitful garden, not so that she can have barren land.  (See Mother's Seeds.) Yes, we have to correct one another at times, but if we aren't doing something beautiful, too, it's just plain empty.

Two quotes from my Quotes to Ponder page:

"But we'll be careful to be peacemakers and not peacekeepers.
  Peacekeepers are likely to overlook the causes of pain and suffering,
    to avoid dealing with it in order to maintain some kind of equilibrium
     regardless of what it may be based on.
      Peacekeepers prefer the status quo
       and are apt to tell the hungry to quiet down
         lest they disturb the sleep of the overfed."
           Bishop William Frey in The Dance of Hope  

“To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labours and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets, cakes and books; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.” 

On my other blogs:

• Continue Well in Your Home School - God's Grace in the Midst of Middle School Misery 
• Start Well In Your Home School - Let Our Ordered Lives Confess the Beauty of Thy Peace...?

And an old article from StartWell: The Mom Alphabet (Here is the one for "O": "Overcome obnoxious offenses with optimism.")

Created to Be His by Becky --  I don’t know her, but she seems to be quite the kindred spirit to me in her concerns about grace and legalism

Recovering Grace – a blog by men and women who grew up in the IBLP/ATI movements founded by Bill Gothard – and wish to bring grace and healing to those who have been negatively affected by it

OK, that's enough!  I've got to go finish up some history homework with one of my kids!

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com

My History in the Conservative Quiverfull Home Schooling Movement: An Introduction to the Gender and Authority Series

Dear friends,


I've been posting articles and web links for my series on Gender & Authority this past week, and just compiled them all into the July edition of my Hope Chest e-magazine which is sent to about 950 families around the world.  This is the introduction I gave to those who don't know me, and I thought it would serve well as an introduction to the blog series, too...

As most of you know, I am a home schooling mom of 10 children, ages (almost) 6 to 24.  My oldest daughter is married with a one year old son and expecting her second baby in February. She works part-time as a writer, splitting shifts with her husband.  My second daughter works full time in an office and is engaged to be married in October; she and her fiance have both been active in mission trips to Bolivia.  My third daughter starts nursing school at UCF next month.  My fourth daughter is a Disney World photographer and a student at Valencia Community College.  Both my third and fourth daughters spent three months in Italy earlier this year helping missionaries with outreach through teaching English in the community.  They are now living at home again while they are in college.  My fifth daughter returns to public high school for her junior year this fall; she had a very successful and happy year there. The younger five children, in first through ninth grades, will continue in our home school; this year we are rejoining the Providence co-op after a year off and I will be teaching 7th-8th grade English (with an strong emphasis on Bible and missions) as I have in the past.  I have been home schooling my children for about 20 years, and learning about it for 25.   

That's because shortly after Thad and I married in the mid 1980’s, we moved to Maryland, where we joined a conservative yet contemporary church that was filled with large home schooling families.  One of my earliest mentors in marriage and motherhood was a sweet lady named Vickie Botkin, whose husband was our home group leader.   Vickie taught me how to make log cabin quilts in her sewing room.  She continually modeled a heart of simplicity and contentment to me.   She is a lot more well known now than then. Victoria (as she is now called) is the wife of Geoff Botkin, and mother of seven young adult children.  The books, audios and DVDs that the Botkin family produces are published by Vision Forum.  Probably the best known of these are the Elizabeth and Anna Sophia Botkin’s book So Much More and their DVD Return of the Daughters. (I own both, read & reviewed the book years ago, and watched the DVD.  I may eventually write more about them, but no promises.)  Back then, one of the books that either Vickie or of our friends introduced me to was The Way Home by Mary Pride.  Then I read the sequel All the Way Home when it came out in 1989.   For about a decade, I subscribed to and wrote articles for Pride’s magazines HELP, Big Happy Family, and Practical Home Schooling.  (For a 2009 update from Mary Pride, please read her article Patriarchy, Meet Matriarchy.) About 20 years ago, I also started subscribing to Above Rubies Magazine by Nancy Campbell.  I have attended several three or four of her retreats (and helped organize one of them), written many articles for her magazine, and have had many personal conversations with her either while driving her to the airport or when she would call me on the phone with her delightful New Zealand accent.  I also read and posted on Teri Maxwell's very conservative Titus 2 Mom's web board for quite some time.


All this to say, I was quickly and deeply drawn into the “full quiver” (large family) and home schooling lifestyle that my new friends and Mary Pride’s and Nancy Campbell’s books and magazines espoused. I don’t regret that at all.  I wouldn’t trade any one of my 10 kids for anything!  And I love home schooling them!  I was still in my twenties when my oldest officially started kindergarten and I’ll be nearly 60 when my youngest graduates from high school.  That’s quite an investment in my own family, but I have also written home schooling books and published an e-magazine for the past 13 years.  I’m in deep and I’m in for the long haul.  


My husband Thad is also very involved in our children's educations through working with me on curriculum planning and record keeping, tutoring them, taking them on field trips, chauffeuring them to classes, working out dual enrollment in college, encouraging me to keep going strong, and of course, paying $$$ for everything!  With the older ones who are beyond home schooling, he helps coordinate college and scholarship applications,  overseas travel arrangements, car purchase and maintenance, wedding plans, financial planning and other adult life skills.  :-)  Kudos, Thad!  You are quite the veteran dad!

But back to the theme of this month's e-magazine... As the years have rolled by and I have closely observed the full quiver / home schooling movement and where it’s gone, I’ve seen some disturbing out workings in certain segments of it, especially relating to gender and authority.  Anything good can be distorted, sometimes very badly.  The ones who seem to suffer most are the moms and the daughters.  I’m certainly not the only one who has taken notice, hence the Manifesto and three book reviews I will share in this issue.   A little later, in the second review, I will share more on why I wrote this blog series. 

The other recent posts in this series, which I included in the e-magazine, are:

• Web Links about Parenting with Grace Instead of Authoritarian Legalism
• Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families
• Submission Is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (A Review)
• When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley (A Review)
• Quivering Daughters by Hilary McFarland (A Review)

I would love to hear your thoughts.  Leave me a comment on this blog post or any of the others, or feel free to send me an e-mail!  Please note that I do not have the time or inclination for extended debates.  :-)

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

www.ComeWearyMoms.blogspot.com