Lessons for Me at 56

Lessons for Me at 56

I turned 56 last weekend! My birthday wasn’t much hoopla coming the day after my daughter’s wedding and a few days after a near miss with Hurricane Dorian. I enjoyed going out to lunch with four of my kids, and tomorrow night I’ll have a belated birthday dinner with another daughter’s family. Besides that, I think what I really enjoyed was all of the Facebook greetings from friends and family near and far. I also loved editing and uploading wedding photos. I'll do a blog post with those later, when the professional ones are officially in. The picture at the top of this post was at my friend Sunny's house after she did my hair and makeup for the wedding. Love it!

I’m learning so much at 56. I always do, at any age. I don’t ever want to be closed off, stagnant. I always want to be able to say, “This Mom grows up!” like the title of this blog. So, in that spirit, here are some things I’m personally musing about. Let’s start with what I posted on FB in the wee hours of my birthday:

It’s midnight and officially my 56th birthday. Here’s my thought tonight: figure out what you think is a worthy goal, what’s really most important to your life. Then go for it - and try to work all the other things around it. I think you may be amazed at how everything can fit together with prayer, planning, preparation, patience, and partnership. Another thing: situations can change for you unexpectedly, serendipitously. Be open to new possibilities, new goals, new adventures. We can’t always see the end from the beginning. What we can do is choose to move forward through little and big decisions every day.

When we are living authentically, we are free to take risks and offer ourselves outward. We can walk with joy and confidence. I loved the sermon that Father Tom preached the day after my birthday. He stood near the pulpit holding a fish bowl with water, a fake plant...and no fish. His kids had recently had a beta fish in it, but beta fish don’t play well with others. So they live by themselves in a little glass bowl until they die. And too many of us are just like that, isolated and self-protective within the walls we build to keep others out and keep our own stuff to ourselves. We need to get out of the bowl and experience the abundant life that God intended for us as his disciples - giving ourselves away for the kingdom in the big world outside our doors.

I wish I'd gotten a picture of my pastor with the fishbowl, but maybe this will get the same concept across. I took my daughter to the zoo the other day. We were in the herpetarium building with the reptiles. Turning the corner to the copperhead snake enclosure, I was so startled to see this instead: a man with a paintbrush in this hand, sitting wedged in behind the glass, working in rather cramped quarters. Good thing there was no snake in there with him, but I'll bet it felt good to get out of there and go on with his day!

Just that morning, I'd taken my teen son to school and stopped at Red Bug Lake Park on the way home. I love to get out in nature and see the beauty of God's handiwork along the boardwalk and the pond there. Such infinite variety, all dwelling together in the same habitat. We humans, though so different from one another, dwell together too. Thinking of this, as well as Tom's sermon, I know we are all created for connection in some way. Yet each of us connects differently due to our own unique personalities. This can be so tricky, but we can learn to respect the dignity and liberty of others, to value and honor them in a way that’s good for them and good for us. It takes patient communication to clear up mixed signals and work out misunderstandings.

Imagine then, how I was struck by these sentences yesterday morning when I read Dallas Willard’s Knowing Christ Today as an assignment for my seminary class Gospel Catechesis:

"We may wish to be loving—to be kind and helpful in our relations to those near us. But we do not trust love, and we think it could easily ruin our carefully guarded hold on life. We are frightened of the world we are in, and that makes us angry and hostile, and contempt makes it easier to harm or disregard the good of others…. It takes little intelligence to know that to live in love is the morally good and right way to live. But entering into and growing in love—actually being it and doing it in the context of real life—is quite another matter. Many misunderstandings of what love is have to be worked through before one can come to peace in it. Evil has a vested interest in confusing and distorting love. Above all, one has to find by thought and experience that love can be trusted as a way of life... Love is not God, but God is love. It is who he is, his very identity. And our world under a God like that is a place where it is safe to do and be what is good and what is right. Living in love as Jesus defines it by his words and deeds is the sure way to know Christ in the modern world. On the other hand, if you are not reconciled to living in love as the center of your life, and actually living that way, any knowledge you may have of Christ will be shallow and shaky at best.” 

And so we love sincerely, even when it means putting ourselves out there not knowing what will happen next. We can genuinely care for others, open our hearts and hands without agenda or expectation. We extend ourselves in friendship. We make the connections, even when it’s complicated. 

Can I tell you how much it means to me that others have done this for me? That others are willing to stay in it with this quirky middle-aged single mom of many: listening well, making space, offering their insight and inspiration with integrity - that is such a gift. I don't always get to see people face to face, but phone, email, Facebook Messenger, and texts all work well enough for me when I can't talk in person. I love the ongoing conversations, a little snippet here, a little snatch there, that turn into so much. 

My sister, dad, teen and adult kids, and several sweet friends have all blessed me just in the past few days. My friend Karen messaged me this morning that she was giving me a Spiritual Middle Name: Resilience. I'll take that! 

Resilience! Yes!

A few days ago, I jotted in my journal some encouraging thoughts related to resiliently navigating through life.

Let your life unfold in God’s time. Enjoy the process. Life is like a game of chess. (What I meant here is that we lose some pieces of ourselves, and move around in unexpected ways, sometimes feeling cornered. We may or may not even win this match. But still we play. Which brings to mind another phrase that’s been rattling around in my mind: “Play hard or go home.”) 

Whatever happens, real life holds incredible blessings better than any fairy tale. You can live in God’s embrace. 

You will learn and grow into genuine maturity. You will earn trust and respect.

You have so many things to do in life right now, and some of them will prepare you for the future in the areas where you are not yet ready.

Your life is incredibly complicated. Honor that. Identify the obstacles that are keeping you from moving forward with your goals, and start to dismantle and disentangle them. It needs to be done anyway.

In what ways are you prepared to sacrifice? What are you willing to cut back or give up to reach your goals? How do you prudently practice self-care? How do you need to change your habits?

Keep praying boldly, with an open and devoted heart, fully yielded to God.

Take the long view. Your life is an epic novel, not a short story. 

And that last one is so true. I don't know what's coming in the next chapters of my life throughout and beyond my seminary years. It may be beautiful. It may be painful. It may be both at the same time. Bittersweet.

My sweet mother had been planning a trip to Europe with my father, and wanted to be able to travel comfortably. So she had back surgery in 2013, but died from a  MERSA infection that she contracted in the hospital. I miss her so much. I determined to live my life well, and do some of the things she loved to do. A few years later, I traveled to Switzerland and Paris with my daughter when she was presenting at a mental health conference in Geneva. My mother had also taken each of my first eight children on a trip of their choice when they were around 12 or 13. My ninth child was ten when Grandma passed away, but I promised him he'd get a "Grandma trip" anyway. He finally flew to New York City this morning with one of his travel-loving older sisters. I drove them to the airport and then stopped at Cracker Barrel on the way home just because I love their gift shop. I can always find something there to beautify and inspire my day. I bought this candle and mug as belated birthday presents for myself. For all things I can give thanks! I can enjoy every little thing and I am clothed with strength & dignity so I can laugh without fear at the future. Can I get an amen to that?

Thanks for reading this! I'd love to hear what you think!

You might enjoy posts I've written on my other blogs recently, as well as several of my poems related to the themes in this post.

Recent posts:

• Travel 2019: Maryland, Pennsylvania, DC, Virginia - spending time with my dad and sister in MD, organizing and attending a reunion for my mother's family in PA, falling off of a waterfall, touring the Museum of the Bible in DC, and visiting my aforementioned friend Karen in VA
• Simple Woman's Daybook, September 2019 - a hurricane, a wedding,  starting my new seminary semester, and decorating for autumn all in the same week!
• Give Me Ears to Hear, Eyes to See, a Heart to Love - enjoying the beauty of another nature path and simultaneously musing about caring for those who have been abused instead of loved
• How Do I Juggle It All? - confessions of the crazy single mom of 10 who home schools, works, goes to seminary, and tries to tame the messes 

Related poems:

• Your Kindness Gave Me Courage
• Pilgrimage and Jubilee (from my 50th birthday)
• Disentangle 
• The Harp in the Willow
• Shimmer and Shadow
• This is Where I Am in Time
• Lift Up Your Head and Laugh

Grace and peace and love to all of you,

Virginia Knowles

www.ThisMomGrowsUp.blogspot.com

How Do I Juggle It All?

Dear friends,

People sometimes ask my how I manage to do what I do, how I juggle it all as a single mother of several children. That's a good question. I don't always do it well. Other times, I do well enough, but not as well as I'd like. 

I am a seminary student (usually full-time with 9 hours a semester in fall and spring, but only 3 in summer), a part-time crisis hotline specialist (15 hours a week), I am resuming home school with my youngest teen in about a month, I have four other teen/adult kids still living at home, and then there is plenty of housework. Add in paperwork, personal care, downtime, and myriad other stuff that needs to be done. Plus, I love to spend time with my five other adult kids and my six grandchildren. One of my daughters is getting married in about two months, too.

Let's just say the house is the thing that suffers most. As I say, if the kids want a cleaner house, they know what they can do... And they do all know how to cook, or at least heat up corn dogs and pizza rolls. I occasionally take a stab at something a little fancier than chili and spaghetti for dinner.

So yeah, it's kind of crazy here. I'm still wondering how I'll manage when school ramps back up for me, my home schooled daughter, and my teenage son in public school. Should be fun, right?

I think the trick for me now is just trying to layer in what I need to do and make it fit.

This morning I woke up before 7, but lay in bed and scrolled through my FB feed and memories to find good stuff to repost to my new page Empowering Christian Women. Then I ate a quick breakfast and headed to my study table to do my seminary homework for two hours. I had a five page paper due tonight, but I worked ahead and wrote most of it last week. I still had to finish the final edits and format my footnotes before submitting it this morning. I posted my responses to assigned topics on the class discussion forums. I updated my list of assignments on Trello (project management app and online program) and checked off what I'd finished. 

Next I cleaned out old food from the refrigerator, attempted to tidy up the kitchen, and packed my snack bag for work. I took a shower while listening to a friend's Facebook Live video on self-care for advocates of abuse survivors. I ate leftovers for lunch while reading a theology textbook on Kindle. I dabbed on a little concealer and blush.

I left for work in the early afternoon, spending five hours talking to people in crisis. I was on a call deescalating a very depressed and anxious client when I accidentally knocked over my drink onto the carpeted floor. My supervisor quietly came over and wiped it up for me. Bless her.

As soon as I arrived home in the evening, my youngest climbed in the van and we headed to a youth event at church. I've been chilling in my room since we got home, talking with some of my other teens. I don't even want to look at my cumulative to-do list. Oh eek, I just did, and I apparently forgot to make sure the trash went down to the curb this morning. Oops. At least my daughter watered my flower garden for me! 

Now it's almost midnight, and I'm off to bed after my evening routine of flossing teeth and moisturizing skin. 

Tomorrow (Saturday) I will try to sort all of the clean laundry that has been piling up in my dining room so the kids can put it away, tame the dishes in the sink, run a few errands, and finish the last several chapters of reading assignments for the week. I also need to finish up some of the arrangements for an upcoming out-of-state family reunion that I'm organizing. I'm sure I'll squeeze in a nap too.

I don't think I'll ever get the house the way I want it until I have an empty nest in several years. That's just something I have to accept for now, but I still keep plugging away at it with the help of my kids. I can at least keep my own bedroom mostly tidy most of the time.

So how do I get it all done? I don't. But I do what I can and call it good enough. And when it's not, I take a rest and give it another try later.

How about you?

Related blog posts? Sure thing! 

• Pull It Together and Push It Through: How to Get It Done When You Think You Can’t
• Arise (One Word)
• A Vision of Mother-Life (A Poem)
• This Mom Starts a New Chapter
• Focus (One Word)
• Smile. Focus. Begin.

Grace and peace,

Virginia  Knowles

Arise (One Word)

Hello friends!

Like me, you've probably seen plenty of social media posts about friends  choosing their "one word" for the year. 

I've been doing this for a few years:

• Focus
• Strength
• Forward
• Refresh

My "one word" for 2019 is ARISE! 

I chose ARISE because I want to encourage myself to rise up and overcome the many challenges in my life. Last year's word FOCUS ended up putting me on the path of going back to work part-time and starting seminary full-time after 26 years of home schooling. This is in addition to caring for my five remaining teen/adult kids at home (though they are pretty self-sufficient), trying to keep the house clean, and coping with multiple physical disabilities. 

It's sometimes hard for me to get up in the morning, so ARISE takes on the literal meaning every day. But it's not just that. It is more a sense of empowerment for myself as a an ezer-woman in God's eyes. Rising from a religious paradigm where women had no voice and no choice about so much of their lives, to one where they do, well, that was quite a switch for this 55 year old mama of 10. Then, building on that, attending an egalitarian seminary (Asbury Orlando campus) has been so much of a breath of fresh air for me! I still wonder what I'll end up doing, how I'll rise up and find my way in ministry in the community. It's a walk of faith from first to last, as it has been for the past 42 years since I first embraced the gospel of Christ for myself.

One of my classes, Church History I, delved into Celtic Christianity toward the end of the semester. I'm smitten. Starting in medieval Ireland and spreading throughout the British Isles and western Europe, Celtic Christians nourished an abiding devotion to God, deep spirituality and worship, and a love for creation, beauty, the arts, adventure, and yes, empowered women! What more could I ask? I've ordered a few different Celtic Christianity books from Amazon:

• Every Earthly Blessing: Rediscovering the Celtic Tradition by Esther De Waal (This one was recommended by my professor. I have the Kindle version.) 
• Water from an Ancient Well: Celtic Spirituality for Modern Life by Kenneth McIntosh (I have the Kindle version.) 
• Celtic Daily Prayer: Prayers and Readings From the Northumbria Community (This one, in print version, is supposed to arrive within the next few hours - I can't wait!)

Then there is the Celtic prayer St. Patrick's Breastplate (see chalk art at top of this post), which starts with the words "I arise in the strength of heaven..." I also created a photo calendar for 2019 with Celtic prayers and blessings and some of my flower photos from last year. Here is my October page with more "arise" inspiration.

A little more story that puts me in awe of God...

My friend Patricia, who started me on my seminary journey, decided last month she wanted to visit the church where her friend and former Asbury classmate Tom Phillips, is the pastor. Church of the Incarnation is an Episcopal congregation. I decided to show up that morning too, and we've been going ever since. I love the old liturgy mixed with contemporary worship music. (Church History class also gave me a fondness for weekly Eucharist, which our professor Dr. Chilcote served each week in the style of whatever ecclesiastical period we were studying that week.) Anyway, on Epiphany Sunday this past week Father Tom's sermon at Incarnation was, of course, about the magi (also known as the wise men or the Three Kings) traveling to visit the infant Jesus. Of course we sang the carol, "We Three Kings"! To my delight, the Old Testament reading was Isaiah 60:1-6, which starts with "Arise, shine; for your light has come..." (I already had that loaded in my Bible app, because I had just looked it up.) Reading further in the passage, I see the prophecy about the nations and kings following the light to the messiah, bringing gold and frankincense. Mind-blowing! I had never made that connection before!

You can watch Father Tom's Epiphany sermon on this passage here on Facebook. So encouraging! The people of God radiate the brightness of God to the nations, drawing them to the good news of Jesus. It's not bootstrap moralism, but being filled up with God! I'm listening to it again right now: "When your heart settles into the radical truth of the grace of God... you wear the very perfection of Jesus, then your heart starts to shine with the radiating grace... and your neighbors see it."

ARISE, shine! Your light has come! The glory of the Lord has risen upon you!

Grace and peace,

Virginia 

P.S. Actually, I'm a bit torn between Arise and Rise, so I'm using both, as you'll see in my 2018 Advent poem, We Can Rise. 

P.P.S. I'm actually writing three blog posts today, which is notable since I sometimes go months without writing any. The others are Inductive Bible Study on Discipleship in Matthew 8-9 (Seminary Notes) and A Simple Woman's Day Book post which I haven't done yet. Little bit of overlap here, but I just had to include a Francesca Battistelli's "The Breakup Song" (Fear You Don't Own Me) in both this one and the Day Book post. It will help me ARISE!