Children: Life's Greatest Treasure

Dear friends,

Yesterday at our library's used bookstore, I found a vintage book called Life's Greatest Treasures: Writings About Discovering and Cherishing Children which was published by Hallmark in 1968. I bought it for my daughter Mary, who is expecting her first baby, a little boy named Jacob, in June. Meanwhile, I browsed through it for quotes to share with you. In light of my recent posts about child abuse, I picked ones which highlight the dignity and worth of each child, and how we must treat them with tenderness and delight. I hope they will be an inspiration to you as they were to me.

~~~

Among the thousands of tiny things growing up all over the land, some of them under my very wing watched and tended, unwatched and untended, loved, unloved, protected from danger, thrust into temptation among them somewhere is the child who will write a great poem that will live forever and ever, kindling every generation to a loftier ideal. There is the child who will write the novel that is to stir men's hearts to nobler issues and incite them to better deeds. There is the child who will paint the greatest picture or carve the greatest statue of the age; another who will deliver his country in an hour of peril ; another who will give his life for a great principle; and another, born more of the spirit than the flesh, who will live continually on the heights of moral being, and dying, draw men after him. It may be I shall preserve one of these children to the race who knows? It is a peg big enough on which to hang a hope, for every child born into the world is a new incarnate thought of God, an ever-fresh and radiant possibility. ~~Kate Douglas Wiggin

A Prayer for New Parents by James Keller

O Lord, give us the wisdom ---

To deal with our children as You would,

To see in each of them Your Holy Image,

To develop in them a Christ-like love of all men, not only a select few,

To teach them to be go-givers rather than go-getters.

Oh God, in training these dear ones whom

Thou hast entrusted to our charge, help us ---

To encourage rather than discourage them,

To discipline with kindness not softness,

To guide them intelligently, not blindly,

To coach, not scold; to nudge, not nag.

Dear Lord, above all, help us ---

To use common sense in regard to their future,

To let them go gladly when the time comes,

To let them lead their own lives while following them with our love,

To pray always that they will be close to Thee,

not only for the few years of this life

but for the endless years of eternity.

A baby is God’s opinion that the world should go on. Never will a time come when the most marvelous recent invention is as marvelous as a newborn baby. The finest of our precision watches, the most supercolossal of our supercargo planes, don’t compare with a newborn baby in the number and ingenuity of coils and springs, in the flow and change of chemical solutions, in timing devices and interrelated parts that are irreplaceable. ~~ Carl Sandburg

God sends children for another purpose than merely to keep up the race - to enlarge our hearts; and to make us unselfish and full of kindly sympathies and affection; to give our souls higher aims; to call out all our faculties to extended enterprise and exertion and to bring round our firesides bright faces, happy smiles, and loving, tender hearts. My soul blesses the great Father, every day, that he has gladdened the earth with little children. ~~ Mary Howitt

~~

What are your favorite quotes about children? Leave a comment below!

Blessings,

Virginia Knowles

Adding Your Voices About Child Abuse

If you haven't read my article, "Child Discipline or Child Abuse?" yet, you may want to read it first! It's just below this one on the blog. This post here is a compilation of excerpts from just some of the responses I received in my inbox since I originally published it two days ago. I'm putting them here because these ladies bring up some great food for thought, as well as ideas on how to reach out to others.

First though, some link backs to two home school authors who have been kind enough to link to my article and add their voice to the cause:

Rob Shearer, noted home school author and publisher:
http://redhatrob.com/2010/02/tragedy-in-a-homeschooling-family/

Karen Ehman, author of many books and popular Proverbs 31 conference speaker:
http://karenehman.com/home/2010/02/23/box-bashing/

~~~

I wanted to let you know that I appreciate that you addressed this issue of child abuse. I also want to encourage you to continue encouraging others to actually get involved in the lives of those around them. We all know when something just doesn't seem right and kids just are not happy. When we see these that something is wrong, we have to purpose to make friendships so we can have a position of influence. We need to enlist others to befriend and encourage good works and develop parenting skills. It is okay to build a visiting schedule quietly with a few devoted families to discern and give direction. With God's help you can change the direction and perhaps hear one day that those times you came made "all the difference."

~~~

I appreciate you sharing this. It is horribly tragic, and the sad thing is that for those of us wanting to home school and appropriately discipline our children it is so hard. We don't want to shy away from the true God-given authority we have nor the appropriate discipline that is required in parenting. Yet I know I tend to shirk away and want to withdraw when I hear a story like this. I appreciate you sharing the voice of corrective balance to remember where appropriate and inappropriate differ. Knowing the extremes to which you are pushed as a parent in your own capacity, I realize that I (seemingly a sane and loving parent) have capacity to go beyond healthy and into inappropriate expressions of anger or frustration that could become directed at my child. I imagine many of these parents start out with good intentions, but their own woundedness and brokenness, misdirection, etc, can lead to inappropriate behavior that gets into abusive category. I appreciate you sharing this with your readers, and challenging them (us) to consider whether we have crossed certain lines. I don't think it's as far out of the average person's ability to go over the limit when we are pushed by the stresses of our day, being isolated from our community, and being guided by our own anger out of control. I also think it's very hard because this is such a bad witness to Christian parenting and home schooling. It's a slap in the face to all the parents who have done such an outstanding job with their efforts, and have loved their children and loved the Lord and followed His lead. No parent is perfect, but the sad thing is what a bad rap home schooling is getting anymore, and this just is another example that critics will point to. I want to have the balance of discipline which the world does NOT offer appropriately in their schools, nor do I want my children exposed to abusive behavior. I want to find the Godly path of leading them, but this can be scary. I am appreciative that there are so many good resources for parents who want to choose healthy Christian parenting, with healthy godly discipline, and I hope we can all continue to encourage each other and also keep each other accountable in this important area of balance. Thank God for his grace and mercy for us, and the grace of our children.

~~~

Your email was galvanizing for me. It crystallized many thoughts and feelings I have been having about the use and abuse of authority in the Christian home school movement - vs the authority the Holy Spirit wants to have in our lives. Kids are people too! I was particularly devastated by the destruction of a family...one whose goals may have been so similar to ours..filled with books - like Frog and Toad books - that my children have loved.... The law - the religious spirit - is insidious. No wonder Jesus went on about it. There is nothing we can do to earn God's favor - not even being perfect disciplinarians will do it. Thank God.

~~~

The bummer is that they are a home school family and now we run the chance that all home school families will be labeled as such. And may I add that “deeply religious” really has nothing to do with true Christianity for one can be deeply religious about anything. Someone truly deeply into Christianity would NEVER even think of hurting anyone else in the name of Jesus. Bad things happen even to those that love Jesus but we should never justify it with religion. Guess I am ranting too…

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Thank you for this info. This is important and it appears God has allowed it on your 'grace plate' to take the time to research and communicate to others. I pray it goes to the right in boxes and bears much fruit.

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I think that we parents of older children who still have younger ones learn that less is more. I wish I could go back and relax a little in the way I schooled and disciplined my older ones, but it was never anything near this. How these people can close their eyes and pray or sleep I do not know! God will surely judge them, but until then I agree that we need to be as out spoken on the "DON'TS" of discipline, especially in the homeschooling community! I join you in prayer and work to try and keep this from happening again.

~~~

It’s interesting. My 12 y-old daughter came into me this morning as she was woken from a sad dream she had of a little girl she tried to rescue but was unable to, from her abusive parents. We discussed the responsibility God places on parents to be their child’s protector. A small helpless child most often has ONLY their parent/guardian to keep him/her safe. How said it is when the only person appointed to be that child’s protector is the one that does him/her harm. We had ourselves a time of grieving for all the children who are so betrayed by their parents. I reminded her that the Bible warns about God’s fierce wrath toward those who harm little ones. Defenseless ones… even aborted ones. Why does God put up with our depravity? And how much longer with He continue to have mercy on us? But, let us NEVER waiver in speaking out against what God hates…Let us never fail to warn others of God’s wrath, and that its ONLY because of His unmatched mercy that any of us are breathing! Thank you Virginia for doing just this. And I among many stand with you…CONTINUE TO SPEAK TRUTH IN LOVE!

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I hear what you are saying loudly and clearly. My husband and I are in the midst of and working through many fallouts of the early homeschooling parenting techniques that have been just as abusive if not more so than the physical - the control and manipulation used by parents - the worst being the use of God, Scripture, and religion to beat children into submission. I have been reading several blogs and am blown away by what I read. An incredible blog I read is called http://www.quiveringdaughters.com/. The author is the eldest in a large fundamental family. She is completing a book out by this spring. You will be very intrigued by her writing! We have worked with more couples and young people than we ever imagined, who find themselves in abusive situations. My thinking has been challenged and I feel like a different person as I study the Word and allow God to take me into the lives of these precious people who are being controlled and manipulated by those who were supposed to love them the most! Thanks for the words.

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Thank you for taking the time to inform on this and for taking a solid stand. You are so right, abuse can never be tolerated. Abuse in the name of Christ is so very wrong.

~~~

I couldn't agree with you more! Thanks for sharing your feelings. It seems like people stay silent on the issues of child abuse and homeschooling, and it has bothered me for years.

~~~

I’ve graduated my last homeschooled student/kid two years ago, but my heart remains in the home school community and I mentor several younger women. I can’t tell you how many times I received calls from home school moms who want to know what to do about situations like the ones you’ve described. They suspect something is “just not right.” Either in neglect, NON-homeschooling, father/daughter relationships, or promiscuity, or even in inappropriate dress of fellow students in the home school co-ops. I encourage them to pray for those they are concerned about and go to them directly as the Bible instructs us to do to share their concerns, then to their elders. Over and over again the response is similar. When information is brought to the attention of the parent the response is denial, or preference to keep their heads in the sand and not look at the tough issues, to hostility and accusations of “witch hunts.” It’s painful to not see transparency and humility in the approach to lovingly bring something to the attention of another believer and have this response. I do think this is a serious issue with homeschooling parents as they attempt to guide and instruct, yet self-righteousness begins to cover over-bearing control to produce perfect kids. Thank you for tackling this tough issue, and I want to encourage you to continue. I’ll pray for you and your family and those homes your newsletter reach; but above all that the gospel will become more and more meaningful in our hearts and lives. God bless you sister.

Child Discipline or Child Abuse?

Dear friends,

Note: There is an update at the end, as of August 16, 2011. I have also added an article on domestic violence, especially as it pertains to Christian homes.


Please permit me a rant. You need to read this.

On February 6, seven year old Lydia Schatz, adopted from Liberia, was murdered. Her 11 year old sister Zariah is in critical condition with severe kidney damage. Who did it? Their deeply religious (I can’t bring myself to say Christian) home schooling parents, who were attempting to “discipline” them. The “offense” of the murdered child was that she mispronounced a word during her home school lesson. She was beaten for seven hours with a plumbing supply line, with only short "prayer" breaks. Another brother has been found with significant bruising. Read the news story.  The murder has been attributed to the parents following the teaching of Michael and Debi Pearl in their books To Train Up a Child and No Greater Joy, which have sold hundreds of thousands of copies among home school families.  

I am heartsick. I've been tracking news stories in the home school community for years, and these deaths are not the only ones. (This hits a little close to home for me. A few years back, I was shocked to hear that another home schooling mom named Kimberly Forder, who had written an article about international adoption for the Hope Chest -- ouch! -- was convicted of murder in the abuse death of her son Christopher.) Many horrible abuses that don’t happen to result in death are never even reported. Much of this is the result of very misguided or overwhelmed parents trying to implement “Biblical” discipline in their homes. THIS IS NOT BIBLICAL DISCIPLINE AND IT MUST STOP! As compassionate Christians and as a home schooling community, we must have ZERO tolerance for abusive parenting. If we seriously want to preserve the abundant liberties we enjoy as home schooling families, we're going to have to make sure that our movement is not characterized by such aberrant behavior. We need to start speaking out and educating one another about healthy family dynamics and child discipline.


I am not railing against reasonable corporal discipline, nor should we overreact to an occasional minor accidental injury related to this, but we do need to take a stand when we see any of these warning signs:

• Parental action which results in bruising, bleeding, welts, burns, fractures, dislocations, or other injuries (I don't consider very temporary minor reddening of the skin to be a concern)
• Parents who neglect to seek appropriate medical care for an injury out of fear of being accused of abuse
• Parents who withhold proper food, sleep, hygiene, or emotional nurture from the child as a form of punishment
• Parents who force their children to have unnatural contact with urine, feces, or other unhygienic situations
• Parents who lock their children up in a room for extended periods of time (I'm not talking about reasonable "time out")
• Parents who are “out of control” in their anger, and who are more interested in punishment and retribution than in sincerely and compassionately training their child
• Parents who routinely resort to extended yelling, shaming, ridiculing, harsh accusation, and other forms of verbal abuse -- which can be (but not necessarily) a signal of physical abuse
• Parents who publicly advocate using discipline methods which seem abusive or excessively harsh, even if they are taught as being “biblical” or “godly”
• Children who are cowering in fear from their parents, or who are unusually withdrawn, depressed, or aggressive

This may be you! If so, stop now and get help! Your child’s safety and emotional well-being is far more important than your reputation. Do we want to train our children that it’s OK for Mom and Dad to be violent bullies in the name of Jesus? How can we ever teach them self-control if we aren’t setting the example? Things can get better! Things MUST get better! Perhaps it is your husband who is doing this. You may think that it would be unsubmissive to intervene in a “discipline” situation because your husband is supposed to be the spiritual leader of the home, or because if you were being a "better mom" your kids wouldn't behave badly enough for him to get that upset. Sorry ladies, but these excuses just don't fly. In Acts 5, Sapphira was punished just as harshly as her husband Ananias because she went along with his deceit and tried to cover for him. So you don't get off the hook for your responsibilities just because you are "submitting" to your husband. If your husband is out of control to the point of abusing your children, you have the MORAL and LEGAL obligation to do whatever you can to put an end to this behavior. If that means you need to physically restrain your husband and/or take your children to a safe place until he calms down, then do it. If this is a pattern and your children are in continued danger, you NEED to get outside help. Call a trusted friend, your pastor (unless he condones or ignores abusive discipline), a professional counselor, and/or your community’s family crisis center -- and keep going until you get the REAL help you need.

In addition, husbands should never treat their wives like dirty doormats in the name of “Biblical submission.” You do not need to passively accept physical or verbal abuse. I've heard from some of you who are being subjected to this kind of degradation, even some who have been in danger. This is not right! You are not becoming a “liberal feminist” if you begin to draw healthy boundaries of respectful treatment around yourself. But, remember, everything must be done in love - even when we have to draw safe boundaries. Someone else's poor behavior is never an excuse for ours. This blog post might help: Help for Hurting Marriages.

You may know someone in your neighborhood, your extended family, your church, or your home school support group who is abusing their children or spouse. Don’t turn a blind eye. Do your best to discretely find out what is going on in the family by talking to the children and to the parents. This is compassionate intervention, not gossip. Offer support. Encourage them to get help. If they refuse to do this, and the situation is serious and continuing, you will need to call in outside intervention. (Be VERY careful about making accusations public, though, because it may not be abuse at all, and an unnecessary visit from the police or social worker can be quite traumatic for a child. Be sure of your facts before you call.)

While we are on the topic of inappropriate parenting, I’d like to say a few things about over-authoritarian control in the Christian home schooling movement. I know most of us are taking the time and money and effort at this because we want our kids to turn out to be fine, upstanding, godly young adults. We don’t want them to make the same mistakes we did. We want to keep them out of trouble, out of harm’s way. We don’t want them to “fall into sin.” Fair enough! But I think we need to take a SERIOUS look at how we view this and how we try to implement this in our homes. (This is something I am reevaluating, too, so I'm preaching to myself.) I think some among us have become control freaks with our kids. We need to realize that we aren’t God, we don’t own our children, and we don’t need to dictate every last little detail of their lives or isolate them from all outside influences, especially as they move into the teen years. We don’t need to use ridicule or guilt-trips to get them to behave according to our expectations. Yes, we need to teach them as best we can, be wise "gatekeepers" over the influences in our homes, and certainly set a wholesome example -- but most of all we need to pray for them and trust God, who loves them so much more than we ever could. We need to listen to our kids and not try to shut them down whenever they express disagreements. They should have the freedom to share whatever is on their hearts (hopefully in a respectful manner!) without fear that we will react in shock, disapproval or rejection. We need to seek to inspire our children into such a warm relationship with their Heavenly Father that they will increasingly learn for themselves how to hear and follow his voice. Home schooling should not be the means to unduly limit our children’s options in life, but to launch them into the Grand Adventure (risks and all!) which our loving Lord has planned for them!


I hope to write more about these topics sometime soon, but for now, these links will provide some food for thought…

• “Christian Families on the Edge: Authoritarianism and Isolationism Among Us” by Rachel D. Ramer for the Christian Research Institute
• “Solving the Crisis in Home Schooling” by Reb Bradley (who used to be authoritarian and controlling but is now teaching about the dangers of that approach)
• “Sweetness Comes Through Godly Wisdom, Part Two”In this audio presentation, Karen Campbell covers a lot of ground about over-authoritarian parenting, including why naturalist John Muir rejected his parents' Christian faith even after he had memorized all of the New Testament and 2/3 of the Old Testament

Here are three blog posts which also talk about this case.

• Child Abuse in the Name of Jesus by Karen Campbell, who first told me about this story
• Heartbroken. Angry. Again. (this blog post by TulipGirl includes lots of links for further research)
• When Parenting Kills – What Can We Do?

And, if you didn’t click on it earlier in my letter… News story on the Schatz family

I'ver received a lot of responses in my e-mail inbox since I published this on February 17.  I have compiled excerpts from several of them, including ones with additional ways to reach out to hurting families: Adding Your Voices About Child Abuse

Update: On March 11, I had the opportunity to speak for a home school group in Gainesville, Florida. Some of my comments touched on positive child training. You can listen to the audio message: Amazing Grace for Home School Moms.

For grace and mercy - and justice!

Virginia Knowles

P.S. In the past few weeks this blog has received well over 2000 visitors linked from other sites. (It usually gets one or two per day!) I didn't realize until at least a week after I posted it that I didn't have the comment function turned on - I was beginning to wonder why folks weren't leaving any! So now it's on and you are welcome to share your thoughts! Please just remember to be civil and discrete.

P.P.S. Since most of you aren't already familiar with me, if you want to subscribe to my monthly e-magazine, where I write about home education, spiritual growth, and family life, you can send any message to mailto:hopechest-subscribe@associate.com. I write more frequently on my main blog, http://www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com/, as well as on my preschool/elementary blog, http://www.startwellhomeschool.blogspot.com/ and my middle school blog, http://www.continuewellhomeschool.blogspot.com/.


Update on August 16, 2011:  Anderson Cooper is doing a CNN news report on this case tonight, and the clip is on-line.  You can watch it here: Girl Spanked to Death in the Name of God.  Michael and Debi Pearl are interviewed in this video.  They seem so calm and self-composed here, but this is what I wrote in an e-mail to my subscribers after my original blog post: "When I originally wrote my article, I mentioned Michael and Debi Pearl because their books on child training (To Train Up a Child and No Greater Joy) have been implicated in the abuse deaths of Lydia Schatz and Sean Paddock.   I received a few vocal protests about that, so I removed that paragraph when I posted it on my blog, not wanting it to be a distraction from my main point that parents must not let child discipline turn into child abuse.  However, I was absolutely shocked today to read Michael Pearl's own blog post in which he has the audacity to very mockingly laugh at his critics without mentioning the murder of Lydia Schatz, expressing any grief that her death has been linked to his methods, or even cautioning his readers not to overdo his own methods.  Instead, he brags about how children trained by his methods are going to take over the world.  This is unconscionable and sickening!"

Wisdom from Mardy Freeman

Dear friends,

Mardy Freeman spoke for the NearHim Home Educators meeting last month. I recorded it, but the audio quality is not the best because I put my MP3 player on top of her video projector. It's still worth listening, though!

You need to turn off the Playlist music at the bottom of the page before you start.

You can find out more about Mardy at her web site, http://www.thefreemans.org/. You might especially like to read her humorous article, Noun Loss.




Blessings,
Virginia

The Thessalonians Prescription

The Thessalonians Prescription

by Virginia Knowles

One day I found an excellent Bible passage that I think really talks about how we must work on daily to reach our children’s hearts with spiritual truth. I use 1 Thessalonians 5:12-22 to evaluate my effectiveness as a mom, and to give me the perfect prescription for getting our lives back in balance. This is not a “one shot deal” – we all need to be renewed in these things continually, whether we are adults or children. I find a deep need to cry out to God to restore this kind of reverent order and fervor in my family. We are in spiritual warfare for the hearts of our children, and since we so easily forget that in the fog of daily life, we also get distracted from what is really, truly, vitally important in mothering. As a mother of 10 who has traveled this road for nearly two decades (and still has a long way to go), I plead with you to pay careful attention to what the Lord is saying here and apply it to your own family:


“Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else. Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil.”


Based on this passage, I developed a checklist to evaluate my own progress in nurturing my children in the Lord:


A Checklist for Home School Moms


1. Do I take the time to cultivate a reverent, fervent, joyful heart and home life?


2. Do I work hard to provide spiritual leadership through good example and teaching?


3. Do I require my children to show proper respect toward both parents?


4. Do I keep my children busy doing good things?


5. In my pursuit to teach my children independent living and learning, do I patiently exhort those who refuse to work, encourage those who lack confidence, and help those truly need direct assistance?


6. Do I seek to be a peacemaker by encouraging kindness and prohibiting revenge?


7. Do I give thanks in all circumstances, knowing God will bring good from them?


8. Do I eliminate influences and activities which are not the best for my family?


9. Do I teach my children to discern good from evil and to seek God’s will for their own lives?


10. When I see God’s Spirit beginning to work in my child, do I avoid quenching this progress with my own impatience and perfectionism?


11. Do I pray earnestly and continually for my children?


Daily discipleship -- for ourselves and for our children --needs to be the focus of any true education in our family. When Mom’s heart is nurtured through abiding in Christ, she can handle the challenges of the day better. Having a tender heart toward the Lord cultivates a more tender heart toward our children. But being tender doesn’t mean being a wimpy Mom, and letting them walk all over you with disrespect. Even if you don’t feel adequate to be respected by your children, even if your life is not always the best example for your children to emulate, and even if they blatantly challenge you, don’t abdicate your authority as parent! Again, this is tied to your own spiritual life. When you are strong in the Lord, you will have the strength to be tough when necessary. If they don’t learn basic reverence for God and respect for parents, you will experience great difficulty with each passing year. However, when children’s hearts are cooperative and teachable, you will have peace in the home, and they will learn academic skills much easier. Sometimes it seems like a sacrifice to lay aside my own individual interests to invest the necessary time, energy, and love into my children, but the blessings are abundant and the rewards are eternal. It forces me to lean hard on God and cry out to him for the divine wisdom and strength that only he can provide! As we all lay aside the old attitudes and methods that have hindered us, may God renew our minds so we can aim for the heart.

(This is an excerpt from my book The Real Life Home School Mom, which is available for free download in the sidebar of my main blog, http://www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com/.)

Stop, Drop and Roll! (How to Deal with a Conflict!)

Dear friends,

I'm about to start teaching the Young Peacemaker curriculum in my home school co-op English class.   Meanwhile, here is something I came up with several years ago to teach my own kids.  It's just as good for moms! (This is an excerpt from my book The Real Life Home School Mom, which is available for free download in the sidebar of my main blog, http://www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com/.)



~*~*~

Here is another idea for moms who are trying to be peacemakers: Stop, Drop and Roll. Given the sheer size of my family, there is a high probability that someone will be involved in an unpleasant confrontational conversation (argument) in a given day. A mom needs a way to deal with all this and not get overloaded. Here's a quick explanation of something that helps me keep my sanity when conflicts arise. I developed this concept from the standard "what to do when you clothes catch on fire" Stop-Drop-and-Roll instructions. Think of a conflict as a fire that is about to burn you up. If you thrash around wildly or run away, the oxygen is going to feed the flames. You've got to stop, drop and roll.





STOP: When you find your temper flaring, your jaw clenched, your muscles tense, STOP! Don't yell, nag, threaten, accuse, slam doors or otherwise lose it. You've seen the red warning flag, so STOP! "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." (James 1:19, NIV)


DROP: You've got resentment, bitterness, frustration roiling around inside. It's a burden, and a heavy one at that. You're going to have to lay it down eventually -- why not RIGHT NOW? Drop your burden at the feet of Jesus. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7, NIV) You don't have to carry it one minute longer. Forgive!


ROLL: Get on with it. If there is a solution to your conflict, work it out calmly, paying special attention to preventing a recurrence of the same problem in the future. After that, go about your business and don't let the whole thing stop you in your tracks or cause you to stew. You've got a life to live! "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14, ESV)


When I remember to Stop, Drop and Roll, it helps me solve problems much more effectively and efficiently. I also don't carry around frustration quite as long, which makes me more productive the rest of the day.

Setting Sensible Standards

Dear friends,

This is an excerpt from my book The Real Life Home School Mom, which is available for free download in the sidebar of my main blog, http://www.virginiaknowles.blogspot.com/. We're reevaluating standards in our family, so that made me think of posting this for others who might be doing the same.

~*~*~

One cause of conflict between parents and children is rules. Home school parents are famous for setting standards for their families. After all, we want nothing but the best for our precious ones! As I think about how we make decisions on various issues, a few important principles come to mind. Our family’s standards and rules should be fair and reasonable, not arbitrary or picky. We shouldn’t make a rule just because other families do it. We don’t want to be self-righteous, pretending that we have perfect knowledge and obedience. Eventually, people would see the many flaws beyond our masks -- the same faults our children see in us every day. So in all things, we want to be wise and humble, depending on God for both guidance and strength to do what is right. There are four principles I think we can use when setting sensible standards for our families. As our children understand them, they are more likely to want to cooperate.



♥ The Test of Truth: For a Christian, the absolute standard is the Bible. The Scriptures are quite clear on crucial issues, and give plenty of general principles to guide us through the gray areas. We shouldn’t have to agonize about whether it’s OK to get drunk, cheat on tests or taxes or spouses, etc. (See 2 Timothy 3:16-17.)


♥ The Law of Love: The whole law of God is summed up in the command to “love one another.” (See Matthew 22:334-40.) Will our choice help other people or hurt them? We teach our children to “do to others as you would have them do to you.” We don’t want our children to call each other nasty names because it violates the law of love. Similarly, we don’t take what belongs to others or punch people in the nose. We want our teens to come in at a reasonable curfew hour at night so that Dad can go to bed and get some sleep. It all boils down to loving others! Read 1 Corinthians 13!


♥ Sensible Stewardship: We must faithfully use and care for the many resources which God has given us, and neither squander nor destroy them. These include our time, money, possessions, health, energy, intellect, talents, moral purity, relationships, the environment, and much more. (See Matthew 25:14-30.) If I restrict TV viewing, I am preserving our time, intellect, and moral purity. If I don’t let anyone take food and art supplies into the living room, I am trying to extend the life of our furniture and carpet. If I warn them against the dangers of smoking, I am guarding their health. If I insist that we take our recyclable garbage out to the garage instead of tossing them in the kitchen trash, we are conserving the earth’s resources.


♥ Winsome Witness: How will this affect my ability to be a positive influence on others? I’m not advocating the “what will the neighbors think?” kind of fear that provokes many picky rules. But, we should honestly evaluate whether our choices will cause others to stumble on their journey of faith. That may mean we do some things in private or keep our opinions to ourselves. (Look up Romans 14.) This will also mean that we need to keep our front yard looking neat and tidy. The children have to put their bikes and roller blades away when they are done. And it means that we keep complete school records for our annual evaluations. We want to be a good testimony for our chosen lifestyle!

Let natural and logical consequences pack their own punch when you can. If a child leaves her toys out in the rain and they get ruined, this natural consequence is its own “punishment.” Logical consequences are initiated by the parent but still closely related to the “crime.” If a child “forgets” to do his math, he might miss out on a family activity until it is done. If he carelessly damages school materials, he might have to pay for replacing them.

A Bittersweet Advent

A BITTERSWEET ADVENT

by Virginia Knowles in 2002

[Virginia's note: This was written in December 2002 -- and still as applicable as ever! As many of you know, my mother-in-law passed away the following September, full of Jesus.]

It’s Christmastime, and life is supposed to be jolly! But it’s not, at least not always. For many of us, this Advent season brings a strong sense of the bittersweet aspects of real life.

Several weeks ago, as I was speaking to a home school group, I commented my family is “swimming in stress soup” right now, with unemployment, an exhausting pregnancy, and all the other niggling challenges of life in a large home schooling family. Little did I know what was to come! My wonderful mother-in-law, who has been quite ill this past month, was diagnosed with a second case of cancer, this time inoperable. My dear husband Thad has been taking care of her and tending to her business matters almost full-time since she has been sick, which actually makes me thankful for this period of “unemployment.” As we await more test results, and then see her through chemotherapy and radiation, the future remains uncertain.


I know that we aren’t the only ones in the midst of trials. I hear from so many of you who are facing illness or death, either for yourself or in your families. Some of you sorely miss loved ones who have passed away, or are just far away in other cities. Some of you have spouses who are being deployed to the Middle East or other far-flung locations for our national defense. (And God bless you for it!) Some of you have simmering and even boiling conflicts with family or friends, which alienate you during this season of supposed “peace on earth, goodwill to men.” Some of you are on what could charitably be called a “tight budget,” and like us, are doing your Christmas shopping at the dollar store and the clearance bins. And some of you are just plain tired from running all over town searching for just the right gifts, or chauffeuring children to endless holiday events that require hours of preparation and fancy clothes that will only be worn once.

Yes, the Advent season can be bittersweet, even in the middle of jolly parties, holiday baking, tree trimming and gift wrapping.

May I offer a few observations and encouragement?

The manger was not filled with tinsel, and I don’t think there were any candy canes or mistletoe hung overhead either! That first Christmas, joyous as it was, spangled with the Star of Bethlehem, heralded by an angelic chorus -- was still bittersweet. Imagine being God the Son, leaving the glory of Heaven, and being plopped into a scratchy, smelly barn to be raised by lowly humans, and later, mocked and crucified by those you came to save. That’s a real life Christmas. Life on earth was no vacation for our Messiah, the Lord Jesus Christ. He came to serve, not be served. Likewise, we should be about our Father’s business, not just expecting everything to be automatically perfect just because it is December. As we face the challenges, we should have a multi-faceted approach.



First, we trust that God has allowed each circumstance to enter our lives for our enrichment in the faith. If we have confidence in the sovereign grace of God, who controls all things, we can not only survive the trials, but learn and grow through them. At least they will cause us to learn harder on our gracious Lord, who wants us to depend on Him and not ourselves anyway.

Second, we look for practical ways to minimize the extra stress by dealing with the realities of life. For example, we can reduce our expectations of what Christmas needs to be. Much of our overload is caused because we are trying to create unrealistic images or experiences for our children. This causes us to overspend and overschedule, just cramming it all in. Slow down! Spend less! Learn to savor the relationships you have with family and friends -- you never know when this will be the last Christmas you will see or talk to a loved one! If those relationships are ailing, we must seek to repair and restore them, rather than shoving the problems under the carpet. Preferably this could be done right now, so you aren’t trying to hastily patch things up over the sweet potato casserole at the Christmas dinner table.

Third, we should find little ways to follow Jesus’ example of serving. If you are not personally going through trials right now, I can assure you that someone you know is suffering, perhaps in silence. Please be sensitive to this, so that you won’t blithely blunder through the holidays! Find a way to extend the healing grace of God. For some, this will be as simple as writing a sweet note to a discouraged friend or a check to a charitable organization. Other families might be involved in some sort of service project -- caroling at the nursing home, serving food at the homeless shelter, or delivering gifts to a needy family. It takes our minds off our own troubles when we help those who may be even less fortunate than we are. It can remove the root of selfishness that clamors for our own needs to be met, and instead plant the seeds of compassion.

Above all, let us seek to glorify the One whom we celebrate in this Advent season, bittersweet as it may be.

"Love's Eternal Wonder" poem by Amy Carmichael

"Love’s Eternal Wonder"

by Amy Carmichael

Lord, beloved, I would ponder
Breadth and length and depth and height
Of Thy love’s eternal wonder,
All embracing, infinite.

Never, never have I brought Thee
Gold and frankincense and myrrh,
In the hands that groping, sought Thee,
Precious treasures never were.

What was that to Thee? The measure
Of Thy love was Calvary.
Stooping low, Love found a treasure
In the least of things that be.

O the Passion of Thy loving,
O the Flame of Thy desire!
Melt my heart with Thy great loving,
Set me all aglow, afire.

Winter by Spurgeon

“Thou hast made summer and winter.” ~ Psalm 74:17

“My soul begin this wintry month with thy God. The cold snows and the piercing winds all remind thee that He keeps His covenant with day and night, and tend to assure thee that He will also keep that glorious covenant which He has made with thee in the person of Christ Jesus. He who is true to His Word in the revolutions of the seasons of this poor sin-polluted world, will not prove unfaithful in His dealings with His own well-beloved Son.

“Winter in the soul is by no means a comfortable season, and if it be upon thee just now it will be very painful to thee: but there is this comfort, namely, that the Lord makes it. He sends the sharp blasts of adversity to nip the buds of expectation: He scattereth the hoarfrost like ashes over the once verdant meadows of our joy: He casteth forth His ice like morsels freezing the streams of our delight. He does it all, He is the great Winter King, and rules in the realms of frost, and therefore thou canst not murmur. Losses, crosses, heaviness, sickness, poverty, and a thousand other ills, are of the Lord’s sending, and come to us with wise design. Frosts kill noxious insects, and put a bound to raging diseases; they break up the clods, and sweeten the soul. O that such good results would always follow our winters of affliction!

“How we prize the fire just now! How pleasant is its cheerful glow! Let us in the same manner prize our Lord, who is the constant source of warmth and comfort in every time of trouble. Let us draw nigh to Him, and in Him find joy and peace in believing. Let us wrap ourselves in the warm garments of His promises, and go forth to labors which befit the season, for it were ill to be as the sluggard who will not plow by reason of the cold; for he shall beg in summer and have nothing.”


~ Charles H. Spurgeon from his devotional book Morning and Evening